Initially, of course, feelings of grief and sadness are a natural human response to a loss.  It is necessary for healing, to go through the grieving process.  But if one allows these feelings of loss and worry to persist, there’s a danger; if these feelings are left unchecked, they can lead to a kind of self-absorption.  A situation where the focus becomes your own self.  When that happens you become overwhelmed by the sense of loss, and you get a feeling that it’s only you who is going through this. Depression sets in. But in reality, there are others who will be going through the same experience of loss.   Once you realize this, then you no longer feel isolated, initially feeling that you are alone in your grief, but realising that there are others going through the same emotions.  This can offer some kind of condolence.”

The 7 stages of grief after loss

American-Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first highlighted 5 stages of grief in the 1960s. Since then, her approach has been extended to 7 stages, with difference sources having different variations of what these stages may be. Not everyone experiences grief in the same way but understanding these 7 stages of grief after death, can be useful in identifying some of the emotions you might experience.

1. Shock and denial

Feelings of shock and denial are unavoidable in nearly every situation, even if you could foresee it happening. It is a way for your brain to begin to understand what has happened.

No matter the cause, you’re still losing or missing something.  There’s an unwillingness to accept the loss.

2. Pain and guilt
   Once the shock wears off, feelings of pain and guilt can creep in. It’s best to try to accept these feelings. It’s very much ‘if only’ and ‘I ought to have’ and ‘I could have done more.’ These thoughts are perfectly normal, but know that you did your best with the resources you had in that moment.
3. Anger and bargaining
   It is also normal to feel anger in times of grief. If it is a job loss, you might feel that you want revenge. If it’s a relationship breakdown, you might want what is ‘yours’. If a loved one passes away, you might feel angry at being left alone.

Bargaining comes into play when you start to look at the upside. You might think, ‘if I can get another job’, or ‘if I can get another relationship’, things will look less bleak. It’s an indicator that you’re not wallowing in the anger.  It’s part of the shifting process.

4. Depression, loneliness and reflection
   The jumble of emotions that usually accompany the grieving process, can typically lead to feelings of depression, isolation and anxiety– but also to reflection and purpose.

It’s the realisation of the situation, combined with ‘I’m still here’, ‘I’m okay’ that can help one cope with these emotions.

5. Upward turn
   Humans, by nature, crave contact, connection and support. You might want to engage with friends and family again.

This is also a stage where one might slip backwards. Don’t be disheartened if you find your emotions becoming overwhelming again. Remember that it’s normal to move between any of the stages of grief from hour to hour, or even minute to minute.

6. Reconstruction
   This stage is about realising that you can’t change the circumstances, but you can alter your perception and behaviour.

The ‘new normal’ will look different for every individual and situation. Take it day by day and month by month, and don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s journey.

7. Acceptance and hope
   This is when you learn to be grateful for what was – the years you spent with someone – but accepting that it is no longer.

It’s accepting that nothing ever stays the same. And that’s okay, because endings are part of life.  They also bring new beginnings.  It’s important to always remember this.

You will experience grief or loss in your own way – and that might mean experiencing all, some or even none of these emotions.

How long one remains in any stage depends on one’s internal resources and past history with grief.

Allow yourself to feel, but if the emotions become all-consuming and you find yourself ‘stuck’, or you start using alcohol or drugs as a crutch, or the emotions continue for months or more, then it would be advisable to seek professional help.

When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not there to see

The sun will rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me

I know how much you love me

As much as I love you

And each time you think of me

I know you’ll miss me too

But when tomorrow starts without me

Please try to understand

That an angel came and called my name

And took me by the hand

I thought about our lives together

I know you must be sad

I thought of all the love we shared

And all the fun we had

So when tomorrow starts without me

Don’t think we’re far apart

For every time you think of me

I’m right there in your heart

 My Holistic Reiki healing session includes an explanation of life and death and brings some clarity to the process.