Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust, or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied. Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively hobbled, and our relationships suffer.
Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds.
Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they might avoid it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not come easily; but it is possible to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.
- Know what forgiveness is and why it matters
Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us. It isn’t about finding excuses for the offending person’s behaviour or pretending it didn’t happen. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.
Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms of PTSD. Forgiveness is something you extend toward another person, because you recognize over time, that it is the best response to the situation.
- Become “forgivingly fit”
You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good things, but if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.
You can also make a practice of recognizing that every person is unique and special. It’s important to cultivate this mind-set of valuing our common humanity.
You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters—like smiling at a busy grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms you—in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from hooting when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.
Sometimes pride and power can weaken your efforts in practicing forgiveness by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead.
- Address your inner pain
It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.
To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, co-workers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much you have been hurt by them. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged.
There are many forms of emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it.
- Develop a forgiving mind through empathy
If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who has harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he/she carries and you can start to develop empathy for the person. First, try to imagine them as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did they get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then there will be a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent them from ever getting close to others. You might recognize the person as vulnerable, who was wounded and wounded you in return. Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts, can help us open the door to forgiveness.
- Find meaning in your suffering
When we suffer a great deal, it is important to find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. Try and see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way. Have we become stronger, more resilient?
There are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve.
One thing we must all remember and that is that everything that happens to us, has happened for a reason.
- When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths
Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.
First, remember that if you are struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.
- Forgive yourself
Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.
In self-forgiveness, you honour yourself, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself.
After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you might have harmed and right the wrongs as best you can. A sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.
- Develop a forgiving heart
When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. Some people may believe that love for another who has harmed you, is not possible. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become free to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after you’re gone.
What Forgiveness is Not
Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, excusing an offense or forgetting about it. It is also not the same as reconciliation although that can occur as part of the forgiveness process. Tolerating the situation or any form of denial and suppression of emotions that create more stress, are also not effective forms of coping and forgiving. Condoning which justifies the offense, and excusing which implies shifting the blame, are no more than forms of self-deception that encourage a deeper sense of victimhood.
True forgiveness is an individual and internal process. Forgiveness has taken place when there are no longer feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment and revenge towards the person.
Forgiveness carries a high vibration – 350 cycles per second/hertz.
At this level a major transformation takes place. The person assumes their power and understands that the source of happiness lies within. Forgiveness has to do with balance and appropriateness. There is no need to determine right and wrong but instead to focus on the solution. This level is free of discrimination and intolerance.
Do not be hard on yourself if you are battling to forgive, the first step is to recognise the need to forgive and the tremendous healing that it brings.
To err is human, to forgive divine – Alexander Pope
The best revenge, is not to be like your enemy – Marcus Aurelius
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it – Mark Twain
There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love – Bryant H McGill
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong – Mahatma Gandhi
I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself – D. Jakes
It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you – Tyler Perry
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition, by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free – Katherine Ponder
The Holistic Reiki healing includes a 30 minute healing session and an in-depth discussion, explaining the importance of our thoughts and emotions, as these determine the happiness of our life. Unforgiveness is the biggest cause of disease so it is important for all of us to work on forgiveness.
